Well, I'm just going to be honest this has been a tough year for me, great and amazing in so many ways but also really hard. The last month and a half has been thoroughly challenging...I was robbed at gunpoint on the steps to my house, I was physically attacked and fought back and I can't even begin to explain the amount of fear, anger, rage, paranoia and vulnerability that has brought up for me. I keep thinking or judging myself, that I should be over it, it could have been worse but I need to let myself heal in time and be patient with the process. I'm one of those come on you are tough girls, you have been through worse, get it together...in other words my own harshest critic. Really going to work on stopping that this year...it's soooooo challenging...It brings up a lot of emotions for me and it happened smack dab in the middle of the holidays and was followed up by some real cruel behavior from my family. So I've been crying a lot, and that's ok, I think it's good, I want to feel my emotions not try to cover them up, numb them or pretend they are not there.
I think the holidays are hard for most people and especially those of us who do not come from functional families...I actually think that is most people but the dysfunctional disaster that is my family is hard to explain to anyone in words, it's not really something most people would understand. I am lucky enough to have really amazing friends in my life who are my family and many of whom can understand my past. I am forced to make some really tough decisions involving my family this year, decisions I have been avoiding in the sad hope of maintaining a completely fake and surface relationship with them, just to have a relationship period. I really wanted to see my family this year at the holidays, I haven't seen them in a year, any of them and last year during the holidays was an excruciatingly painful time in my life. I went to France with my girlfriend (at the time) and friends and it was...horrible...the aftermath of which was almost as bad so the thought of being somewhere safe, where I am loved and supported this year was very appealing...however I was deluding myself to think that, that place would be with my family. Unfortunately being around my family is actually the least emotionally safe place for me and I had to realize that. It makes me very sad, but it's the truth and this year has been about learning for once in my life to take care of myself, to put my own needs first and before others and that's what I'm going to do. I know what is happening at my parents house right now and it's not pretty, I'm really glad that in my current state of emotional vulnerability I am far away from that and safe.
On the positive side, I do have my friends, my amazing friends, my chosen family. I have lots of holiday plans with them and you can read a little about my Christmas urban family celebration here...Singles Invent Holiday Celebrations with Personal Meaning I also won't have to worry about the eeeewww vegan food comments or gross I'm not going to eat that witty repartee from my family...because my friends are not lame...
That's not the only celebration I have planned...what I'm most excited about is spending some time with people I love, cooking and baking, watching silly movies and just enjoying each other in a safe loving environment, something many of us never had at home. I'm excited to continue making new memories this year and new traditions because last year the holidays were actually pure hell for me and I need a new set of loving, supportive, caring, fun, sweet, silly memories that I will look forward to sharing and re-creating next year. I do not have that from my born family but I have it from my chosen one and I consider myself very blessed because damn my friends are fucking amazing. Sometimes shockingly so because I'm just not used to that kind of love and support, but I'm so very lucky to have it. Here are some pictures from a party last weekend with my friends and just some of us out together. I hope that everyone realizes they have the power to re-invent what the holidays are and what they can be and mean to them. We have choices, now that we are all grown up, we can make them what we want instead of the commercialized crap that is shoveled into us as kids. I hope everyone has a safe and loving holiday this year.
xoxo
lily, me and jackson...
me and my soul-mate Jill
Jess and me being silly
my chocolate cupcakes with chocolate mousse frosting and lavender chocolate shavings for the party
Lily and me
me and Jilly blurry but cute...
aw look how cute they are!!! I have more of the party silliness but think it would be unfair to post ;) Lets just say there was a choreographed dance that made my freaking year...oh yes...I'm a lucky girl...
