I'm sitting in bed on Christmas eve 2009 writing about this year. I've just finished watching Julie and Julia, a film I openly mocked and embarrassingly it made me laugh and cry. I think because I have always found joy in cooking and baking. Why is this relevant on the eve of Christmas? Well I completed the successful translation of almost all of my family holiday recipes to vegan versions, including a tricky "secret" fudge recipe. Again, why do I find this significant? For the last year and 2 months or so i have not cooked or baked much at all. It only made my heart hurt and I just couldn't face the memories taunting me from my cook books and recipes. I love to cook and baking is really my thing! When I became vegan some 4 years ago, instead of giving up on my baking I dove into reading and researching how to do it without eggs, butter and milk. I tested recipes and I discovered a new invigorating passion for them both. I was free of the constraints of traditional methods!! It was fun, experimental and so very freeing. The perfect fit for me.
Around the same time I met Jessica. Jessica worked in my office and was literally the hottest girl I'd ever seen at the time. She played in a band and was newly vegan as well. It was truly love at first sight. Yes I believe in it. Together we embarked on a thrilling love filled cooking and baking adventure. Jessica was an amazing cook, it was so easy for her. She taught me so much about letting go, being fearless, cooking fresh, local and seasonally. Baking though, that was where I would shine. She loved my baking, went crazy for it and bragged about it. We cooked and baked all the time. We went to farmers markets several times a week and cooked and baked and she jammed. It was heavenly delicious bliss. I had never had a partner with similar culinary interests as me and it was fantastic and sexy.
When we broke up I dropped about 20 pounds. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I certainly couldn't go near the kitchen or a farmers market without getting nauseous. It was horrible. But eventually I made my way back to the kitchen. I'm not sure it was with the same amount of enthusiasm for a very long time. My spirit was a bit broken. When Jessica passed away a little over a year ago I felt as though a piece of me died with her. I have barely eaten over the last year and what I have eaten has been disgusting...barely worthy of the title food. I've never put so much junk into my body! Since I was going through a trauma I just ate whatever I felt like, when my body told me to. I figured when my heart and my body was ready it would tell me. It has, that food has started making me ill. I've lost around 35 pounds (I gained that 20+ back) over the past year. Unexpectedly my desire to cook returned to me about a month ago. Suddenly I wanted to bake cookies and make stew. When I did it felt so good, so I did it again and again! Then I decided to tackle many of my families favorite recipes and convert them to vegan versions. Not only did I do so successfully but it was really fun, relaxing and made me happy.
In 2006/07 Jessica and I and some friends went to France over Christmas all of Julia's time in France reminded me of this as well. Although as a 2 year vegan I was worried, but I planned to try a few non vegan French delicacies like crepes etc. Do the best I could. However I found the amount of richness and butter in the food made me really, really sick. I couldn't eat it, I was nauseous constantly, partly for other reasons but all the cheese and butter and cream wasn't helping, I think I lost like 10 pounds on that trip whilst everyone else gained at least 5, oh the irony. I loved France but couldn't tolerate the food, my body does not like dairy, not one bit. It all reminded me of Jessica though, she LOVED France, the food, the people, the wine, the lifestyle and she spoke French fluently. Even though that trip was very challenging, I'm so glad I was able to share it with her and seeing France over the Holidays was magical.
I'm still not eating much but I'm sharing my food with anyone that wants to eat it. And now tonight I can't help but wonder if this is Jessica's gift to me. I believe I saw her on Tuesday night, in my kitchen, in the corner, a tall white wispy shadow and I feel her constantly. I realize this probably sounds insane before this happened I would have agreed but it's true, I know it is. I'm facing what would have been her 30th Birthday in a few short days and my heart is perpetually aching. Which is why I can't eat. When I'm sad or stressed or it's the holidays I can't eat, I get nauseous, sometimes I can't even keep food down and right now it's all of the above. And yet I feel a calm and joy I haven't felt in such a long time. I think she has to be here with all of us. I'm so lucky to have a partner I am so deeply in love with. She is kind, patient, loving, understanding, sweet, funny and basically the best thing ever. So in the end the movie reminded me of the initial love and passion I discovered via veganism which has finally returned to me 3 years later. And Jessica and the magic we made in the kitchen.
I don't really understand it all but I don't think I need to. This is just how life is, hard, very, very hard and wonderful and messy, full of heartache and love. All I know is I feel her in my heart right now as I write this sentence and that makes no logical sense at all and that's ok. I've also found love again when I never thought I would and not just any love, the big love. The kind that makes you weak in the knees and your heart race and the kind that holds you tight. The kind of love I had with Jessica and I have right now and more at this very moment. How lucky am I to have found it twice. I still wish every single day that my friend was here. I don't know that I will ever stop missing her, I think that is simply how it is when you loose a loved one. But I'm so grateful for the time we had together and for my amazing partner it all seems just too special for any one person to experience.
Now I'm off to read all the biographies on Julia Child I can get my hands on. What a woman! I'm ignoring all the meat she cooked it was a different time.
Happy Holidays
xoxo
